PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
