I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
