I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Couch. On fire.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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