Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
