theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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