I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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