Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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