just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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