Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
