I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
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In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
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I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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