It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
