We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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