My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
