soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
