there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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