you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
