The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
