I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
