I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
