Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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