yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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