My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
