Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
