My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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