it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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