Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
