oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
