Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
