I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
