What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You have to summon your inner elephant
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
