I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
