Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
