you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
