Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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