dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
