So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
