im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I have aggressive nipples.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
