can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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