I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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