Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
