YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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