i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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