did you get engaged???
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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