I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
