I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
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You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
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we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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