either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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