I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
