I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
