So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
