And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
