My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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