Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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