Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
