Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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