This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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