Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
