remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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