True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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