shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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