I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
