I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
