New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
