you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
