remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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