you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
