Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
